Monday, February 4, 2008

$100,000 VS $1,000,000

You know those days when you just doin't feel like paying any attention to anything that is going on around you. You'd rather just stare off into space and dream of those sunny beaches and the sand between your toes?! Well today was one of those days. For me, anyways.

I was sitting at my computer (on NorthWest Farm & Ranch, of course) When Hubz started commenting on a TV show that we were watching. Now to give you full effect I do have to mention that these conversations happen often. Did I say conversations?! I meant him talking/me listening(ish). So we were watching the show, Deal Or No Deal, and it happened to be the show where the lady was on the Million Dollar Mission and she had 10 (yes I said TEN!) One million dollar cases. Well her first offer was $139,000 and Hubz started to laugh and said, "You know.. it's really funny when people will go on The Gladiators and get the crap beat out of them for $100,000 and a person is just standing on the stage.. naming cases and her FIRST offer is over $125,000. Because you know those shows that only give away $100,000, like The Gladiators and Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...."

It was at that point in time when I noticed that something just didn't make since with that sentence.. Um.... no. Sorry. I don't think that one fits into that catagory.

Needless to say, Hubz feels dumb now. He's hanging his head in shame on the recliner.

See... I do listen.

(most the time.. okay maybe some of the time.)

Monday, January 7, 2008

Meet Mr. Hand

This may seem gross to some.. but in the horse world.. it's a COMMON occurance! So if you don't have a sense of humor.. you probably shouldn't read on. I'm serious! LOL! No really... I am!

Just for reference.. a horse's sheath is a male horses "pocket" (if you will) that holds their manhood!! LOL! So please.. read on. No I am not talking about beastiality... sick freak.. I am talking about something that most people have to do to their male horses in order to keep them healthy! Anyway.. lets continue on to the story.

Mr. Hand

Your horse's "Actual Private Part" may or may not choose to venture out on your appointed Hygiene Day.
You can, er, manually make friendly with the Actual Private Part to see if that helps, but basically it is HIS PERSONAL Actual Private Part and if it wants to stay indoors there is really not much you can do to change his mind.
It is therefore sometimes necessary to either a) have the vet tranquilize him to lull the Part into an accessible state, or b) roll back those sleeves and go seek out The Part on its own turf.
You need long arms, as The Part has a most capacious mansion and can retreat to amazingly secluded locations when it so chooses.
Warm water and a lubricant (e.g. Excalibur) help a lot; go slowly and show the Actual Private Part that you are not a threat.
Be firm but gentle.
Hum seductively Cleaning a gelding by Braille is not perhaps the very easiest thing in the world but I assure you it can be done.
And just keep reminding the Actual Private Part, "Whither thou goest, so goest I."
Long arms, that's the key. I'm not kidding. REALLY long arms. ;-)
Step 1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings.
Though of course they're probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.
2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).
3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)
4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand .

What I find safest is to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick.
The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr Hand's antics, but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it.
Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse's Part.

Give the horse a clue about what's on the program.
Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part.
When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using.
If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there.

Patiently and gently expedite their removal.
5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath.

The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely absent.
That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers.
Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)
6) As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond.

Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in .
You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part.
It's hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. S
ay hi and wave to it .
No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it.
If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself.
So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there.
Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.
7) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean.

The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra.
Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma.
So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening.

Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening.
If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger.
This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished.
In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse:
Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean.
Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;->
I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.
8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken .

A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket, IME.
Make sure to direct the water into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath.
This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.
9) Ta-da, you are done!

Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots of carrots.
Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...
10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur.

Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while.
So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date ;-) and of course, there is that one FINAL step...
11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.)
Now, go thou forth and clean that Part :-)

Okay you may have found that to be just gross but if you're a horse lover or if you've ever had horses.. you will understand the humor!

PS: you can also pay your Equine Veterinarian to do it as well. :)

Happy Sheath Cleaning!